This city stole my backbone. My confidence. And my voice. I know that’s difficult to believe, but there are individuals in this timezone that think i’m quiet. And that breaks my heart. You see, New York was hard for me. Really-REALLY hard. I had to pick up and move to the other side of the country, and then move back, to fall in love with this city. Moving to LA taught me that I could live anywhere. It challenged me to rethink my relationship with this city. This is THE New York City. And it scared me. But i refuse to lose. So this is me-taking my voice back. New York you ain’t even ready. *twirls away*
I got lost. I can admit that. But now I get to go on a journey of self-discovery. I get to find myself, or the new more improved version of myself...and I am so fucking excited.
No i’m serious. No one knows what they're doing...at all. And even if they have mastered their life at the moment-it’s going to change. So relax, my love. Maybe you will never “master” life. But you will win. Those two are not synonymous.
You can’t run from yourself. *kanye shrugs* You can run from your followers. You can run from your responsibilities. You can even run from the love of your life. But at the end of each night you have to face yourself. So deal with those demons before they catch up to you. This year I forced myself to figure out why New York made me uncomfortable. I’ve moved from city to city alone to chase my dreams, and i’ve never felt lonely. But in this city-filled with millions of people-i felt alone for the first time in my life. That’s something I need to figure out. And I’m not leaving this city until I do.
Y’all...i’m old. I turn 25 in 2 weeks, and that freaks me out. I’ve always had this time limit. I need to make it before i’m 30. And not just make it. I need to MAKE IT *snaps in Z formation* But that’s a horrible way to live life. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. And i don’t know what path is meant for me. All I can do is work really hard, and hope things fall in place. (the Type A in me hates that ishhh)
My goal for 2018 is to speak up. I’m not going to get anywhere unless I make it clear what I want. So this is me speaking up. I want to be a Development Executive by 28. I want to say yes to and give a platform to underrepresented voices. I want to work in children’s television, and make people laugh. There it is. I put it out into the universe. Now let’s work on it.
New York is filled with a lot of mixy people. And honestly...you can’t help but be mixy here. Because it seems like the only way to network or date. You have to go to that event. You have to hangout with those people. You have to got to that brunch. We all want to prove that we network with people who work at Twitter, Buzzfeed, and Tumblr. But if you attend a panel for the free drinks, and don’t get a business card-that isn’t networking. That’s happy hour. And that’s ok. Just be honest with yourself.
I’m reliable af...when it comes to other people. If I commit to something, i’ll be there. (though it is extremely hard to get me to commit to something) However, I let myself down all the time. It’s a lot easier for me to extend deadlines, and sleep in on myself. And that has to change. So in 2018 i’m changing that ish.
Not everyone is evil. They just don’t know how to do well. It’s not your job to fix or accept that. It is your job to acknowledge it. It’s your choice what you do next.
I’m done arguing with deplorables on twitter. *kanye shrugs* Some people don’t want to change, and it’ not my job to make them. The election proved that there are a lot of people that have to project their pain on others to heal. But that isn’t healing. And maybe one day they’ll get that.
The other day I had a conversation with this guy I used to talk to. I quickly remembered why we stopped talking *hair flips*. He recently moved to D.C and he was having a hard to adjusting. He missed Texas a lot. He kept saying that it was so easy in Texas. Everyone knew him there, and it was easy to make moves. He said that he had “clout” there. *rolls eyes* I hate that word. It means nothing. Clout is a word lame people use to describe their social status. A status that they didn’t work for. He had “clout” because he hung around “cool” people. *face palms* THAT’S SO LAME. YOU’RE LAME! *claps ratchetly* You haven’t done anything to earn that respect you demand. You’re uncomfortable because people aren’t immediately obsessed with you. *sighs* Can we stop using the word clout in 2018? Y’all irk me. Work hard. Like REALLY fucking hard. And earn the respect you want. I don’t care who you know.
I picked up an annoying habit. I apologize for things that are not my fault. I apologize when I’m busy. I apologize when others make a mistake. And that disgust me. It may seem small, but innocent words are heavy and reflective. I don’t want to take on blame that is not mine in 2018. I’m done carrying the load.
I LOVE saying no. It was my first word, and favorite. It’s refreshing. And freeing. And powerful. It’s the easiest way to choose yourself. So stop. Reflect on what you really want before committing to a task. And say no if you don’t want to do it. You are allowed to.
I lost my dad when I was 11. Over 13 years ago. Yet, in 2017 I dealt with that grief the hardest. Maybe it was the sudden deaths of a few friends in 2016 that triggered this overwhelming feeling. Or maybe it was just time that I stopped running and dealt with my shit. Who knows. *kanye shurgs*
I’m not Issa Rae. And some days that makes me really sad. Lol I just think she’s so amazing. I often find myself comparing my career path to hers, and that isn’t ok. You are not meant for another beings story. Comparing your life to theirs is just going to frustrate you. Admiration is healthy. Imitation is not.
I spent a majority of this year learning this lesson. 2017 has been amazing. I earned a second degree. Got the job of my dreams. My mom is happy. My older sister is healthy. My little sister is thriving. But earlier this year, a friend pointed out that I may be scared to be happy. And that friend was right. I am a lot better at life when it’s hectic. I don’t want the drama, it’s just been a dramatic few years. But this year...I got to breathe. And that scared me. I tend to think what goes up- must come down. And I am now waiting to drop. But that’s a shittty way to view life. I deserve to be happy. I am allowed to be happy. I’m working on being happy without fear I’m a work in progress.