Y’all I’ve been in town for 4.5 hours and I’ve already received a “Hey Stranger” text. I’m pretty sure my ex could feel my energy from thousands of miles in the air. It’s like he had my flight itinerary. He should work for Google because he has the ability to accurately predict my next move. But seriously, can we put a stop to the “Hey Stranger” movement? I get it-you miss me! I mean honestly, who could blame you? But I haven’t talked to you in months, and you hitting me up around the “home for the holiday’s time” is a bit overdone and played out. I mean you could at least be original with it! If you sent me a text saying “Happy Kwanza! Wanna Amazon Prime and Nap?” I would give you points for creativity. Good Luck dodging your exes this holiday season. Forget Santa, your exes tend to know when you’re sleeping, awake, and ready to make another mistake! #strangerdanger #stopthat #hohono
So last time I was home for the holidays, I almost ran into a few people from high school at the gas station. I say almost because I dodged that bullet! You see, I was pumping gas and saw a car filled with old classmates, pull in a few spaces over. So I abruptly stopped the pump ( I only had $4 in my tank), made my way to the front seat of my car, and sped the hell off. #noregrets We all know that group of people that never left home. Y’all were sorta cool in high school, and now they share racist post on Facebook! #unfriendmeback And because of their post I can no longer identify with them, so I avoid them! *Kanye shrugs* I thinks it’s easier than saying “Wow girl! Haven’t seen you since high school! BUT I now know that you’re an uneducated, privileged, bigot; and I can’t stomach breathing your air!” You see, now that sounds a little harsh, doesn’t it? Good luck hiding from the ones who never think outside of their zip code.
Y’all I get it. Everyone is getting hitched and reproducing. *snaps and claps for those brave few* But that’s not for me, at least not right now. My only goal before 30 is to make Forbes 30 under 30. #thatsit And I don’t think my decision on that is anyone else’s business. I think the judgement gets a little stronger when you’re home the holidays. Everyone is proposing and birthing and whatnot-and I’m just trying to figure out how to make frozen margaritas festive enough! Lol last holiday I was at a convenience store picking up a few things before Christmas, when I ran into an acquaintance from high school. We start to quickly catch up, and then the questions came. “So you’re not seeing anyone? I mean you’re about to graduate, isn’t there a special someone you wanna settle down with?” Y’all…I kid you not: I cringed! Like it was noticeable and then I cackled. Not just laughed, but CACKLED. I think it must’ve made her uncomfortable because she came up with an excuse to move her baby and her cart to another aisle. Some people want to settle down and start a family immediately. And that’s cool. Do what you do. But don’t wish that witchcraft upon me! Lol avoid the ones that want you to share in their lifestyle for companionship.
This group is always hard to identify. They went off to college for about a year, and then moved back home. That’s fine though, different things work for different people. The problem is that they’re now filed with conspiracy theories. Conspiracy theories that they force you to listen to. *sighs into a face palm* What makes you think that I traveled all the way here to listen to you speak? I’m pretty sure I could’ve stayed an extra week on campus if I wanted a lecture. I think it’s great that you are passionate…about oh so many things- but I don’t need to hear about those things. So please do not corner me into a lunch date to join your Ponzi scheme that puts money in the hands that deserve it. Don’t insist that we see your naïve friend speak on why we shouldn’t vote anymore. Don’t waste your time visiting me only to explain your theory on aliens. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care. This is the only break I get, I’m not supposed to care. #leavemealone
People like you a lot better when you move away. No, it’s true. They only like you when leave and come back. I literally feel like a celebrity when I’m home for the holidays because my phone blows up! However, let’s make things clear: we are NOT friends and I did not travel across the country to visit you. So if I post a #homefortheholidays selfie DO NOT comment with “omg we should hangout”. You’re putting me in an awkward position to stand you up….and I will! *Kanye shurgs* Before I leave the house I always ask myself: is this experience more valuable than the series I’m binging on Netflix” and you won’t win that battle. #Netflixforthewin I came home to visit my family and TRUE friends. SO be honest with yourself, and stop making me dodge your invites. Just because I wished you Happy Birthday doesn’t mean we’re besties. I wished you Happy Birthday because Facebook told me to. #idontknowyou
For some reason people thought I was a mean girl in high school. I wasn’t, I was just IT and it made people uncomfortable (but we’ll discuss that another time). But anyways, I have a friend who constantly runs into a high school rival when she’s home. I’m pretty sure they got into over some fuckboy years ago, but that’s none of my business! *sips margarita* Anyways, she saw her at the mall and hid behind a mannequin. No seriously, she hid behind a mannequin at GAP. #whodoesthat I’m pretty sure the girl saw her anyways! You have two choices. You can hide from your past, or you can face it. Either way it’s the holiday and you should stay away from people who have caused you harm . #thatsnotmerry
Y’all we’re kinda old. I don’t want to go out with you to teen night at the local club. We’re not TEENS! I don’t want to visit our old highschool. I don’t want to relive our childhood. Don’t be that guy in their 20’s who dates the senior in high school because she’s technically legal. Grow up. Stop sending me party invites on Facebook. And move on!