So, I’ve been planning to write this post for months. But I put it off until this morning. I feel like I need to share though. Today is the 14th anniversary of my dad’s death-and it happens to be Father’s Day. So let’s see what comes out. Excuse the typos-i’m going to post this without proofreading. I don’t want to read it twice and let doubt and fear remove a truth.
1. You Find A New Normal.
This one is a little harsh. But it needs to be said. When you lose someone, those comforting you feel the need to say :”It’ll get easier. Things will get back to normal.” And that’s a lie. Things will never go back to normal. How will things ever be ‘normal’ again? What’s normal about never being able to call your parent? What’s normal about rethinking your future without one of the most prominent members of your family. I think it's about time we stopped lying during grief. (Especially to children). I was eleven when I lost my dad. Adults attempted to sugarcoat what was happening...and I hated that. So let’s be honest. Losing a parent is awful. It’s hard. Things will never go back to what you once referred to as normal. You will find a new normal. You will find a routine that makes you feel whole again. The new normal will be beautiful. Life will move on, and you will be ok. But it takes time. Don’t let those that want to help- rush you through a process that takes time.
2. Your Memories Will Fade.
I’m getting old. And i’m no longer reminded of my dad’s energy everyday….and that’s a little sad. I lost my dad before social media, so our photos can’t really last forever. They wear and tear when I travel with them. My sisters and I have one photo that we tend to hold onto. When someone passes, everyone tells you to remember the best memories of that person. And I try to. But I can’t help but remember the last few months of his life, and that’s been hard lately. My older sister is a fighter. We’ve had complications with her health over the last few years. When we walk through those same hospital hallways-I can’t help but feel his energy forcing me to acknowledge him. Recently, I’ve chosen to travel with items of his-rather than photos. He had this 4 foot tall sculpture of Michael Jordan in Space Jam, and it is in my room. It doesn’t really fit in with the vibe in the room. But it belongs.
3. Others Will Move On
When you first lose a parent, there are dozens of people around. Friends. Extended Family. Neighbors. Everyone surrounds you so that you feel the love constantly. I always warn people that the first 6 weeks after losing a parent are fake. They set you up for a false new normal. Because all of those people will have to move on. And they don’t mean any harm by it. They just can’t live up to everything they’ve promised. (and to be honest...you don’t want them to) The flowers and casseroles will stop arriving. The phones will stop ringing. And your immediate family will finally have to face grief face to face. But it’s ok. You’ll be ok.
4. Milestones Will Rock You
I’ve been in a relationship for the last few years. We’re good. But once you’re past the 2 years mark outsiders try to rush you to the altar. (especially if they’re southern) The other day, someone asked me if I thought about who was going to walk me down the aisle. That was the first time I broke down about my dad in years.It’s hard to explain….but you eventually forget about how a parent would usually play into certain milestones in your life. You just don’t think about it until you have to deal with it. Weddings. Graduations. Babies. It has been 14 years, and I still don’t have an answer to combat this feeling... But it fades. And you start to think about how proud they would be of you. How supportive and loving they would’ve been. And eventually...that’s enough. Knowing that they would have loved to be there is eventually enough.
5. Sympathy Sucks. Empathy is beautiful.
I spend too much time making others feel comfortable about my loss. I say this often, but it doesn't make me uncomfortable to talk about my father. I LOVED my dad. I’m very comfortable sharing his life and our loss. But it makes others extremely uncomfortable. They get weird. And awkward. And then...they feel bad for you. I HATE that. I don’t need your pity. I am living my best life. Taking over the freaking world...i don't need your PITY! However, your understanding would be great. I’m at that age where my friends are losing parents and grandparents. For some of them, it’s the first loss of their lives. And my heartbreaks for them. My heart doesn’t break for those who have passed on. My heartbreaks for the journey to finding a new normal. But you’ll get there. And you’ll be happy. And feel whole. And that’s a beautiful thing.
6. Grief Becomes Appreciation.
It's ok to be angry for awhile. Don't let them tell you that you can't be. It's ok to cry. It's ok to break. You are allowed to feel that. There are going to be days that you should be ecstatic at how well you're doing in life----and you will feel like something is missing. But one day, you’ll wake up...and won’t feel the pain of grief. Grief transforms into appreciation. And it is soooo freakin' beautiful. Those memories that made you cry weeks ago, now bring you joy. Old memories that once haunted you, will bring you peace. You learn to appreciate the time you had with your parent. I feel so lucky to have had my dad. He loved my sisters and I soooo much. And made sure that we knew that the world could be ours, despite what others may try to say. Happy Father’s Day everyone. Love on those around you. And send love to those that have left us.
1. Your Impact
I’ve watched Childish Gambino’s new music video 18 times today. I’ve quoted Cardi B lyrics for the past two weeks. I’m constantly sharing videos of young activist around the world. And I question my contribution to the world daily. But seriously-what will my legacy be? What am I doing to change the world? How can I inspire others?
Doesn’t that freak you out? We all want to find what we’re are not only good at-but what we love. Develop that craft. Monetize it. Then change the world with it.Like we want our whole life to be a great Shark Tank pitch. And it worries me that it won’t work out that way. So I guess we’ll have to start small. Ask different questions: How can I make today greater than yesterday? Who can I impact this week? Am I doing enough to develop and nourish the environment that I am currently in? I don’t know….we’ll figure it out.
2. Your Friendships
I’ve moved quite a bit over the last few years. Moving and changing and growing-all affect your relationships in different ways. I’m different. The people who I have loved are different.And both parties have different needs. A few of my friendships are falling apart...and I am finally at peace with that. It hurts. But I think a few of them need to disintegrate. 25 is interesting. It’s been a few years since graduation, and a lot of us are unhappy. Unhappy with our careers. Unhappy with our love lives. Unhappy with our contributions to the world. Contrary to popular belief-I don’t believe that it is mandatory to stick with a toxic friendship with the hope that it will get better. That just doesn’t seem healthy to me. I feed off of energy. And there is only so much energy that a toxic person can suck from you. I’ll be honest-I don’t have an answer. I don’t think losing all my good friends is the answer. But i don’t believe in enabling toxic behavior. I guess I should just leave it at this: check on those you love. Even the strong ones that you think have it all together. Don't Take advantage or project upon those you love. And let’s all agree to be pure.
3. Your Love Life
I’ve been in a relationship the last few years. I’m dating my best friend. It’s pretty cool. However, I’m 25-and I would be lying to y’all if I didn’t share the questions I’ve had in the past. I grew up knowing that I would never NEED a partner in life. And I know many hate when I say that-but it’s true. I don’t think you NEED a partner to survive or thrive. I lost my dad at a pretty young age, so I watched my mom pick things up, work 7 days a week, and raise 3 children. She didn’t NEED a partner. It would've been nice. But it isn’t mandatory. So that has always been my view on love. I wanted to work my butt off in school. Figure out how to break into the entertainment world, and then-if I had time-I would find a partner. Lol now the world doesn’t work that way. And I’m glad that my plan shifted. But a lot of my friends are single and searching (and single and not searching). I kinda love that we are all at different stages with our love lives. THat’s how it should be. There is no guide to when and where or even if you should find a partner. It’s important to remember that. The most important earthly relationship you have is with yourself. So nurture that. Figure your shit out. And what is meant to be will be.
4. Your Career
Damn. Adulting is hard.*sighs* My career has always been number one in my life.It’s something that I am extremely proud of. I love the world I work in. And I love the good that could come out of that world. But i’m 25. And i’m getting antsy. We spend most of lives at work. So why not love it? Why not make sure it is the right fit? I’m questioning what moves I should or shouldn’t make to advance my career. I’m questioning if I prefer to have work/life balance over decent pay. I’m questioning if I need job security or growth. Im questioning if New York is right for me. Our mid-twenties are interesting because we all have this unrealistic timer set. I have 4 more years to make the Forbes 30 Under 30 List-and I think about that constantly. But that timeline isn’t for everyone. And part of me believes that I should accept that. The other part of me wants to remember who tf I am---because anything is possible.
5. The Right Time To Leave
I questioned my choice to leave Texas quite often. The idea of leaving my mom and sisters scared me. And now i’m questioning whether I should live on the east or west coast. It took me awhile to fall in like with New York. This coast is different. And it took me a moment to figure out how I could thrive here. My original issues with the city were less about the city-and more about my growth. When you first move to New York-you question everything about yourself. Am I smart enough? Am I working hard enough? Am I enough? I never questioned my abilities before I moved here. The idea of that scared me. But i worked through it. And I am overall a better person for it. And I’m not running from New York. I think I did well here. It may just be time to move on.
1. You’ll Lose Your Voice
This city stole my backbone. My confidence. And my voice. I know that’s difficult to believe, but there are individuals in this timezone that think i’m quiet. And that breaks my heart. You see, New York was hard for me. Really-REALLY hard. I had to pick up and move to the other side of the country, and then move back, to fall in love with this city. Moving to LA taught me that I could live anywhere. It challenged me to rethink my relationship with this city. This is THE New York City. And it scared me. But i refuse to lose. So this is me-taking my voice back. New York you ain’t even ready. *twirls away*
2. Getting Lost Is A Gift
I got lost. I can admit that. But now I get to go on a journey of self-discovery. I get to find myself, or the new more improved version of myself...and I am so fucking excited.
3. No One Knows What They’re Doing. We’re All Just Winging It.
No i’m serious. No one knows what they're doing...at all. And even if they have mastered their life at the moment-it’s going to change. So relax, my love. Maybe you will never “master” life. But you will win. Those two are not synonymous.
4. You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide
You can’t run from yourself. *kanye shrugs* You can run from your followers. You can run from your responsibilities. You can even run from the love of your life. But at the end of each night you have to face yourself. So deal with those demons before they catch up to you. This year I forced myself to figure out why New York made me uncomfortable. I’ve moved from city to city alone to chase my dreams, and i’ve never felt lonely. But in this city-filled with millions of people-i felt alone for the first time in my life. That’s something I need to figure out. And I’m not leaving this city until I do.
5. Success Has It’s Own Timing
Y’all...i’m old. I turn 25 in 2 weeks, and that freaks me out. I’ve always had this time limit. I need to make it before i’m 30. And not just make it. I need to MAKE IT *snaps in Z formation* But that’s a horrible way to live life. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. And i don’t know what path is meant for me. All I can do is work really hard, and hope things fall in place. (the Type A in me hates that ishhh)
6. Closed Mouths Don’t Get Fed
My goal for 2018 is to speak up. I’m not going to get anywhere unless I make it clear what I want. So this is me speaking up. I want to be a Development Executive by 28. I want to say yes to and give a platform to underrepresented voices. I want to work in children’s television, and make people laugh. There it is. I put it out into the universe. Now let’s work on it.
7. Not Everything Is Networking
New York is filled with a lot of mixy people. And honestly...you can’t help but be mixy here. Because it seems like the only way to network or date. You have to go to that event. You have to hangout with those people. You have to got to that brunch. We all want to prove that we network with people who work at Twitter, Buzzfeed, and Tumblr. But if you attend a panel for the free drinks, and don’t get a business card-that isn’t networking. That’s happy hour. And that’s ok. Just be honest with yourself.
8. I Suck At Keeping Promises To Myself
I’m reliable af...when it comes to other people. If I commit to something, i’ll be there. (though it is extremely hard to get me to commit to something) However, I let myself down all the time. It’s a lot easier for me to extend deadlines, and sleep in on myself. And that has to change. So in 2018 i’m changing that ish.
9. Sometimes People Mean Well, They Just Didn’t Do Well
Not everyone is evil. They just don’t know how to do well. It’s not your job to fix or accept that. It is your job to acknowledge it. It’s your choice what you do next.
10. Sometimes People Just Suck
I’m done arguing with deplorables on twitter. *kanye shrugs* Some people don’t want to change, and it’ not my job to make them. The election proved that there are a lot of people that have to project their pain on others to heal. But that isn’t healing. And maybe one day they’ll get that.
11. Clout Is Dumb. It Means Nothing.
The other day I had a conversation with this guy I used to talk to. I quickly remembered why we stopped talking *hair flips*. He recently moved to D.C and he was having a hard to adjusting. He missed Texas a lot. He kept saying that it was so easy in Texas. Everyone knew him there, and it was easy to make moves. He said that he had “clout” there. *rolls eyes* I hate that word. It means nothing. Clout is a word lame people use to describe their social status. A status that they didn’t work for. He had “clout” because he hung around “cool” people. *face palms* THAT’S SO LAME. YOU’RE LAME! *claps ratchetly* You haven’t done anything to earn that respect you demand. You’re uncomfortable because people aren’t immediately obsessed with you. *sighs* Can we stop using the word clout in 2018? Y’all irk me. Work hard. Like REALLY fucking hard. And earn the respect you want. I don’t care who you know.
12. Sorry, I’m Not Sorry
I picked up an annoying habit. I apologize for things that are not my fault. I apologize when I’m busy. I apologize when others make a mistake. And that disgust me. It may seem small, but innocent words are heavy and reflective. I don’t want to take on blame that is not mine in 2018. I’m done carrying the load.
13. There Is So Much Power In The Word No
I LOVE saying no. It was my first word, and favorite. It’s refreshing. And freeing. And powerful. It’s the easiest way to choose yourself. So stop. Reflect on what you really want before committing to a task. And say no if you don’t want to do it. You are allowed to.
14. I Learned That Grieving Never Ends
I lost my dad when I was 11. Over 13 years ago. Yet, in 2017 I dealt with that grief the hardest. Maybe it was the sudden deaths of a few friends in 2016 that triggered this overwhelming feeling. Or maybe it was just time that I stopped running and dealt with my shit. Who knows. *kanye shurgs*
16. Comparisons Kill Your Soul
I’m not Issa Rae. And some days that makes me really sad. Lol I just think she’s so amazing. I often find myself comparing my career path to hers, and that isn’t ok. You are not meant for another beings story. Comparing your life to theirs is just going to frustrate you. Admiration is healthy. Imitation is not.
17. You Are Allowed To Be Happy
I spent a majority of this year learning this lesson. 2017 has been amazing. I earned a second degree. Got the job of my dreams. My mom is happy. My older sister is healthy. My little sister is thriving. But earlier this year, a friend pointed out that I may be scared to be happy. And that friend was right. I am a lot better at life when it’s hectic. I don’t want the drama, it’s just been a dramatic few years. But this year...I got to breathe. And that scared me. I tend to think what goes up- must come down. And I am now waiting to drop. But that’s a shittty way to view life. I deserve to be happy. I am allowed to be happy. I’m working on being happy without fear I’m a work in progress.
I’m happy. Extremely happy. This is the first time in 6 years that everything seems to be falling into place. My big sister is healthy. My mom is proud. My little sister is excelling. I just got my Master’s Degree. I start the job of my dreams tomorrow. Life is good. And I’ll be honest, that terrifies me. The last few years have been an uphill battle. I’m used to fighting to get by. And in this moment, it seems like I may be able to just enjoy the view a bit. A friend of mine recently pointed out that I’m scared of things going too well. And I’ll be honest, I am. I’m ecstatic with everything I’ve accomplished over the past few years. And I am extremely proud of myself. However, I don’t want to become to prideful. I don’t ever want to lose touch with what it took to get here. I don’t want to forget that all of this could be taken away at any moment. When you’re a dreamchaser, there comes a moment where things start to fall in line. It will seem like you are winning, and you’ll want to get comfortable. But nothing beautiful comes from being comfortable. So take a moment. Celebrate your win, you deserve it. But don’t let the sparks and glitter deter your work ethic. Stay hungry, my friends.
I have a bad habit of checking in on old bullies. I look up their LinkedIns. I stalk their Instagrams. I skim through their tweets. For some twisted reason (that I need to grow out of), I get relief in knowing that those that taunted me were wrong. BUT- Listen to me closely: YOU WILL NEVER CATCH A HATER DOING BETTER THAN YOU! So stop. Better yet: STAAAHHHHPPPP! Criticizing another being’s bouquet won’t help yours bloom. So yes, they were mean. They were hateful. They hurt you. But you’re better than that. You’re busy. Chasing your dreams takes a ton of energy, and you’ll need all of that to rule the world.
Soooo you mad??? The other day, my supervisor asked me if I ever got angry. And it made me laugh. Because I used to not only get angry, but I used to be angry. Life was hard, and that was my way of coping with it. And then I let it go. And then I accepted my reality. And then I worked really hard to change that reality. I couldn’t be mad at life for the tough times anymore. Wrath is a heavy emotion to carry around. So I let it go. Don’t get me wrong, I still get upset. But I can no longer hold onto it the way that I used to. I’m busy. And you are to.
I’m a glutton when it comes to opportunity. I have a hard time saying no to work. I just want to do it all. I want to be a writer. I want to be a producer. I want to be showrunner. I want stick with comedy and stand up. I want to expand my site. I want to find and continue to share my voice. I want to mentor. I want change the world. That’s a lot. I know. And I’m never going to stop chasing each of those dreams. However, I need to learn to focus on one or two dreams at a time. If not, my mind will continuously race. And that’s no good. It’s ok to want to be a multi-hyphenate. If Issa can do it-you can to. But take your time. Invest in doing things well. You got this. *snaps in Z formation and throws type A female fairy dust in your direction*
At my last internship, I was surrounded by not only dreamchasers-but doers. They all worked at a huge network---the end goal for many. But they each had their own dreams and goals that they continued to invest in. They would work 40 to 50 hour weeks, and still find time to invest their crafts. And that’s beautiful. And that’s needed. Ya see, it’s easy to get comfortable. Honestly, there are a lot of people who just want to be content with life. And that’s ok. But if you are one of those people you probably aren’t reading this. The idea of being content makes me anxious. It terrifies me. My biggest fear in life is settling. I just want to reach my fullest potential. And that takes a lot of hardwork. A lot of dirty work. Work that you won’t always get credit for. Work that will drain you. But it will be worth it. So stop being lazy, you’re better than that.
It’s easier to chase the path that’s sexier. I get that. I’m not judging you for it. Lol the one thing that I’ve learned in New York is that not everything that glitters on the outside is a diamond, boo. So be careful. Don’t forget who you are. Don’t change for the sexiest thing that comes your way. There will be more. Trust me.
*grabs margarita and screams* DOLLA DOLLA BILL Y’all. So I have a secret for y’all. *leans in closer* No check is worth your dreams and well-being. *drops mic and Kanye shrugs* The other day, my best friend shared with me that he was thinking of quitting his full-time job. He already has a part-time job, and he would like to invest more time into his start-up . At first, I was worried. And then I realized he was completely right. You only get so many hours in a day. How many of those hours are you investing in your self? In your dreams? In your happiness? No judgment here. I’m still trying to find that balance. But don’t get greedy. You’ll realize that you’re only robbing yourself of your truth.
Y’all, this post was meant to be out weeks ago. *shakes heads in shame* I tend to put off things that may be important to me, when I have a lot on my plate. And that’s silly.I find peace in blogging, and the fact that I've put it on the back burner is disappointing. I feel like we tend to procrastinate on our dreams-because we see them as just that. Dreams. We see them as ideas that aren’t real, therefore they can easily be forgotten or pushed aside. So here are a few things I've procrastinated on. Maybe if i’m honest someone will hold me accountable and call me out.
A)I need to find a way slow down. I think too much. I need to invest in figuring out what really makes me happy, and committing to it at least once a week. I can’t procrastinate on my well-being.
B) I put off trips home. There is no reason that I shouldn’t visit Texas every 3 months. My family is there, and they are so important to me. There’s only so much life you can share on a phone call, and I don’t want to miss out on monumental moments.
C)I need to invest more time into my site. I love The Diaries of a Type A Female. It’s my baby. I need to spend more time nourishing this brand.
2. Back-Up Planning
I graduate with my Master’s Degree in 59 days. *pageant girl waves into a Beyonce hair flip* But with that accomplishment, comes a set of uncertainties. I’m constantly asking myself-now what? Do I take a chance on this career that was nothing more than a dream a few years ago, or do I play it safe and use my education to find stability. We’ve been conditioned to always have a back-up plan. And that’s great. That’s safe. That’s what you’re supposed to do. But I feel like we get too comfortable, and choose to settle for our back-up before we fight for our dreams. Because settling will always be easier than fighting, but never as fulfilling. The thought of bragging to a future generation of dreamers about what I could’ve been, makes me sick.
Confession: When i’m stressed out, I am a petty, petty, Betty. *Kanye Shrugs* It really is a problem. I get frustrated over things that I can’t control, then get angry over things that don’t really matter. Last week, I focused all of my energy on dirty dishes. I convinced myself that was what was really bugging me. When in reality, the uncertainty of my future was freaking me out. I don’t know where i’ll be working in a few months. I don’t know what state I’ll be living in. I don’t know what is the best move for both my career and happiness. I write a lot about how others will project their insecurities on you, and it’s disgusting. There’s always a story behind projection. There’s always fear behind it. And that’s terrifying.
For the last few years, I’ve lived out of suitcases. I’ve traveled from coast to coast to chase my dreams, and I love that. But when you move so frequently, It’s hard to find and develop real connections. I often joke about NYC as being the city of isolation, because we’re all alone. Many of us didn’t migrate here with groups of friends. We came with our dreams alone. And there’s something so beautifully painful about that. I love the idea of being focused, but isolation isn’t healthy. It’s hard to make friends in the city, but the longer i put it off the more i'm missing out. I shouldn’t have to be alone, to feel like i’m working extremely hard. There is no correlation between isolation and success.
5. Ignoring Friendships
I have a bad habit of putting friendships last. It’s true. I don’t answer enough phone calls. I don’t text back. And I don’t pick up warning signs fast enough. In 2016, 5 of my friends passed away. And they were good people. They were beautiful people. They were kind, and caring, and loyal. That should’ve been a wake up call. I can go years without checking in one people, and that just won’t cut it anymore. In the past, I've written about how I ended a friendship with one of my best friends. She changed. She allowed things to happen that I couldn’t support or root for. She chose a new life over those who were loyal to her. I’’ve thought about our friendship a lot lately, And my pride has stopped me from reaching out. If anything were to happen to her, my heart would break. I just want to check in. I want to make sure she’s ok. I want to make sure that she is happy with this life that she’s chosen. And I will be happy for her, because that’s all that I have left. Hate is such a waste of time.
I’m a dreamchaser. Always have been. Always will be. #iaintsorry However, I need to grow up a bit. I need to think before I drop everything and move across the country. My impulsiveness terrifies my family and friends. I have friends that don't know what city or state i’m in. I just believe that you have to act on opportunities. I didn’t come from a neighborhood where shots in entertainment were in surplus. So when one arrives, I act quickly. I make my decision instantly. And then I figure out the rest when needed. So far its worked out in my favor. But maybe, for my loved one’s sake, i’ll slow it down a bit. I’ll have a plan before the plane lands.
Forbes 30 Under 30 is a goal of everyone i’ve surrounded myself with in NYC. And I LOVE THAT! * Diddy Bops* However, I’ve noticed that we are constantly comparing our journeys to those who have made the list. I constantly find myself asking: What was Issa Rae doing at my age? Am I doing enough? Am I creating enough? Am I enough? *sighs* We cannot continue to compare our paths to the destinations of others. No two paths are identical, they aren’t meant to be. You have no idea what your role model really had to go through to make it. Stop doubting your present, because of the fear of your future. Cheer up, buttercup. You’re gonna rule the world one day. But you can’t do that while trying to live someone else’s life.
8. Seeking Confirmation
You either love me or you hate me. * Kanye Shrugs* That’s it. *drops mic* In undergrad, it used to bug me that some of Black Baylor didn’t understand me. There was a part of me that yearned for their support. When in reality, I never needed it.I’m extremely happy with everything I’ve accomplished over the last few years, and that’s all that should matter. I don’t need confirmation on how hard i’ve worked from those that aren’t vital to my life or career. And let’s be honest, you will NEVER catch a hater doing better than you.#facts *nods head in confirmation* So be the best you that you can be.Chase your dreams. Be true to your word. Love effortlessly. Be good to people. And change the world. The rest is irrelevant.
1. Life Is What You Make It, So Let’s Make It Rock
So everyone knows that my first year in New York was rough. I even wrote about it here! Lol after 9 months in New York, I packed my things up to head West for the summer. And it was the best summer of my life. I was so happy in Los Angeles. It’s like that city made me remember why I wanted to do what I loved to do. And that’s a problem. A city shouldn’t be able to steal or give my joy. There’s a bigger problem there. My problem wasn't with New York. I had a problem with the fear of failure. New York is hard. It’s so easy to mess up and feel like a loser. And that terrified me. I let that fear control my emotions for a year. So I had to change that. I came back to New York with a different outlook, and life has been great. I’m doing what I love, surrounded by brilliant people that I admire. 2016 taught me that I was in control of my life. I could either complain through it, or make the best of it.
2. It’s Ok To Be Selfish With Your Time
I get called selfish often. *Kanye Shrugs* It doesn’t even bug me anymore. Because I’m not selfish. The word selfish carries the connotation of not caring about other people. And that’s false. I care about other people. But that doesn’t prevent me from caring about myself. We are constantly being told that we are wrong if we don’t constantly place others before ourselves. And that’s sad. If you don’t take care of yourself first, then you can’t help others. *drops mic* Flight attendants are on to something. You must wear your oxygen mask before helping someone put on theirs. If not, YOU WILL BOTH DIE. So take all of the time you need, because it is YOUR TIME. And discover yourself. Love on yourself. Figure shit out. Then continue to love on others.
3. Perception Is Everything
People see what they want to see. That’s what I learned from the election. You can throw facts in someone’s face---and they will still only see hate. Don’t take the actions of others based on perception, personally. They can’t see through the fog. It’s ok.
4. Your Brand, Your Choice
This summer, someone felt the need to comment on my brand. I don’t think she meant any harm, but I still remember what she said. “Why would you label yourself a Type A Female, that’s derogatory.” *crickets* No, no its not. YOU may take offense to the name because YOU’VE experienced and allowed others to make the TYPE A FEMALE label harmful to your ego. I named my blog THE DIARIES OF A TYPE A FEMALE because I’m proud to be a TYPE A FEMALE. For years, people would say that I’m a TYPE A FEMALE to critique me. They thought it was a nice way to be shady. But I took it as a compliment. To me, being a TYPE A FEMALE is being a BOSS. It is your brand. It is your choice. 2016 taught me that everyone relates to words differently, so be mindful. But don’t allow it to dim your light.
5. You Do What You Want When You’re Popping
Work hard. Plan ahead. And have a good time. When you have a win, even a small one, you are allowed to celebrate it. Buy yourself a small gift. Go out. Treat yo self! You deserve it.
6. You Are Allowed To End Bad Friendships
As a child, my favorite relationship to learn about was the parasite and host relationship in science class. I just thought it was so interesting that an animal was slowly sucking the life out of the other. I thought that was so cool back then. But as an adult, it isn’t cool at all. Sometimes we form friendships out of love. And it starts out as love. And it’s great. But then it becomes harmful. And toxic. And dangerous. And we must leave the relationship. You can leave lethal relationships. You don’t have to put up with the bad energy. That isn’t your job. Stop telling people that they aren’t good friends unless they deal with your fuckery. That isn’t true. You have a choice. And one day you may choose that you need a fresh start, with fresh energy.
7. Success Isn’t Measured By A Title
This year has been great for my career. That alone, should’ve made me ecstatic. But New York was still hard. This city is extremely lonely. I started to feel ungrateful. I mean, here I was doing everything I dreamt of. And I was unhappy. I thought it was just me. And then I spoke to two other young professionals about New York. They are both KILLING it in their fields. All of our Instagram feeds look like we’re living the life lol. But we all hated New York for the same reason. It was lonely. Once I realized that I wasn’t alone, I immediately got over it. Because I knew how to fix it. I needed to be around people that I loved and do the things that I loved more often. Success isn’t about your job title. It’s about how happy you are when you prioritize what you love.
8. NO, NO, NO!
I LOVE saying no! LOVES IT! *claps ratchetly* The word no is empowering. And for some reason, not that many people have found the power in the word yet. You are allowed to say no, don’t let others convince you that you can’t. People will make request. And those requests won’t align with your views, goals, or ethics. So say no. Maybe it isn’t that deep. Maybe you’re just tired. Say no. Maybe you just don’t want to. Say no. *snaps in Z formation. Your choice and voice matter. You have the power.
9. Masks Are Dangerous
Grieving your peers is different. It’s terrifying in a different way. In 2016, I lost 5 friends. 3 to suicide. I’m not going to say much about this. It was hard. My heart not only hurt for their families, but for the pain they must’ve been feeling. We will never know what someone is really going through. In 2017, I pray that I can be more open with others. So that in return, they may just be more open with me. I don’t know. I wasn’t ready for that part of 2016. It still hurts.
10. Haters Gonna Hate
*Kanye shrugs* It’s true. So this past year, I started doing stand-up. Yes, Stand-Up comedy. And…I’m funny. *flips hair* Now, in undergrad I used to tweet about how funny I was all the time. (I know, kinda obnoxious) But so many people felt the need to tell me I wasn’t funny. People who knew nothing about me. They felt the need to break down the confidence of another being. And that’s tragic. But I now realize that the hate had nothing to do with me. Haters tend to project their own insecurities on others. It has nothing to do with you. Ignore it. Don’t let it sink in. Haters will be haters will be haters.
11. Vulnerability Is Not Weakness
I’m a Capricorn. An 8 on the enneagram, if you know what that is. We don’t really relate to feelings to well. *Kanye shrugs* And I never saw this as a problem. #truthbomb I didn’t think you needed to be vulnerable, to be successful. They don’t teach you that in school. It was never at the top of my list of priorities. And then life happened. And then pain happened. And then love happened. And I had these emotions that I was forced to address. And I couldn’t address them alone. Vulnerability was needed. I needed to be open, and to allow myself to connect to others. And to my surprise, LOVE came out of VULNERABILITY.
12. Self-Love Is Vital
Falling in love with yourself is one of the most stunning and essential gifts you can give yourself. It’s life-changing. Your expectations and standards for others will change. Your priorities and goals will shift. You will become your biggest fan. And that’s beautiful. And that’s necessary. And that is what true love is.
13. Love is Love is Love
It seems like 2016 was filled with a ton of hate. Allepo is still bleeding. Flint is still facing a crisis. Black Lives are still fighting to Matter. And I could go on and on. We have so much to fight for in 2017. But it has to start with love. Nothing fueled with hate shall prosper. Love is Love is Love is LOVE.
14. Settling Isn’t An Option
The truth is, doing what you love is a lot of work. Failure is terrifying. And settling is the easy way out. But it isn’t an option. Settling is comfortable, but far from satisfying. You can fail at what you hate, so you might as well continue to do what you love. It’s worth it.
15. Your Happiness Is A Non-Negotiable
Your happiness should be your first concern. That’s it. It is important to think about others, but to a certain extent. If continuing to “help” others is harmful to your happiness, then that is a problem. At some point, you have to “choose yourself. Always choose yourself. Your sanity and state of mind matter. You matter.
16. Life Is Beautiful
*twerks on a coffee table* I. Am. So. Happy. Life is good. It’s hard sometimes. And painful. And heart-breaking. And confusing. And angry. But it never stops being beautiful.
1. Success Has It’s Own Timing
I feel like I’m so old. I turn 24 in less than a month, and it’s driving me crazy. I have less than 5 years to make the Forbes 30 Under 30 list. And for many, that’s not a big deal. But while other little girls from the south dreamt of a white wedding, I dreamt of making that list. And I hate that it’s a list that I’ve wanted to make. My success will never be measured by the approval of others. It was more about knowing that if I made that list, then I did indeed choose to recklessly and faithfully follow my dreams. It’s like an insurance policy on my ambitions. It’s like a permanent accountability partner. Life flies by. The days of tomorrow transform into the years of yesterday. I just don’t want to get so lost in trying to get by, that I forget to live. However, success has it’s own timing. You can’t rush perfection. When your time to glow has come, you will know. But until then, keep shining.
2. Haters Gonna Hate
*sighs into a face palm* My least favorite kind of hater is the subtle shade thrower. Because if you’re going to hate, at least be bold. *snaps in Z formation* Recently, someone tried to throw shade at my personality and my education. *laughs like Beyoncé did when she heard the Keri Hilson diss track* At first, her two insults bugged me. I then realized that she was just projecting her insecurities. She views me as competition, and that’s sad. Haters love to voice their opinions while you’re chasing your dreams. They see your see your drive as a diss, and there is nothing you do about that. But real talk: have you EVER seen a hater doing better than you??? *sips margarita* Drink your water. Wear your lipstick. Continue your plans for world domination. And NEVER let a hater get to you.
3. You Are The Only You, So Be True
I’m weird. And Awkward. And uncomfortable. And if given the chance to change any of those traits, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t dare. I like being me. *Kanye shrugs* And some people hate that about me. They hate that I really like who I am. They hate that I would never strive to be who they are. They hate that they can’t get to me. And that’s ok. I don’t want the kind of success that requires me to lose who I am.
4. You Are Not Stagnant, You’re Growing
You may feel like you’re in the same position that you were in last year, but you aren’t. You are not the same person. You’ve grown, and that’s beautiful. Don’t downplay your glow up.
5. Not All Advice Is Good Advice
I like to believe that people mean well, they just don’t know any better. My roommate is considering a career shift, and she asked me for advice. At first, I gave her what I thought was best. And then I realized what I was doing, and I cringed. I give advice on dream chasing, I will never give advice on what dreams to chase. This is the truth: no one can tell you what dreams to chase. No one knows what you’re capable of. No one knows how much of a badass you are. When giving advice, people tend to tell you what THEY would do. And what THEY would do is irrelevant to you. THEY may be scared to invest in themselves. THEY may project their insecurities on you. THEY may not have chased their own dreams. So be careful. Trust yourself. Believe in how great you are. And take advice with a grain of salt.
So before we get started, let me explain the title. You’re probably thinking: “Ugh another millennial who can’t get her way.” Or “Ugh another sensitive liberal”. You should really be thinking: “DAMN, look at that click-bait. That is a girl putting her background in SEO to use. You go Glen CoCo, you go!” Lol here’s the truth. I don’t know how to handle this election-because I wasn’t prepared to. I mean we all knew that people were awful. We all knew that people were racist. We all knew that people were sexist. I just didn’t think that people were angry enough to elect someone into office with no experience at all. So I am a 23 year old, well-educated, opinionated minority in this country. And I don’t know if I can be friends with you if you voted for someone who hates me. I don’t know if I could ever trust you. But we’re going to figure this out. So this is me figuring this out. This is a conversation-let's talk. Please read it all before commenting. Or don’t. Again, ya girl knows how this works. So carry on. *twirling through the hate*
***Note this isn't my Pro-Hillary post. I understand that she wasn't squeaky clean either. But I hate when people say they had to : "choose the best of two evils." Because that wasn't true. You can't compare Trump's evil to Hillary's. They aren't even on the same playing field.***
And to every minority that was attacked during this campaign season, I'm sorry. We'll figure it out. We'll get through this. Love still Trumps hate.
1. The Secret Racist
I have a confession to make: I’m southern. I know, it’s such a shock. Because I’m able to show my southern pride WITHOUT the use of the Confederate flag. *whispers* It can be done people! I’ve been lucky enough to live on every coast during the last two years, and I’ve noticed a few things about race and racism. It’s handled and revealed very differently in each community. Discussing race in the south is a game. Southern racism is all about denial and deflection. For example, an old classmate was discussing her grandfather’s time in the war. Now, she loved her grandfather. He was her hero. It took about 20 minutes for me to realize that the war she was referring to was the civil war. And he fought for the south. I noticed that she was avoiding naming the war, and I was curious-so I asked. She took it upon herself to begin defending the Civil War to me. She spent the rest of the conversation telling me that it wasn’t about slavery-it was about states' rights. So I asked her: what rights were the confederates fighting for? What right put them over the edge? She immediately got defensive and said the words that every millennial undercover racist says: “I’m not racist. I have black friends.” Newsflash: you can have an "African American friend" or date someone of another race, and still be racist. Lol and that’s when I knew it. She would rather defend herself-than acknowledge injustice. I’m not saying that you’re racist for voting for Trump. You may have actually believed in the policies of an unqualified candidate. I’m saying that you voted for a candidate that used racism to win an election. I’m saying that you chose the idea of a better economy over the basic rights of people. You chose the possibility of money and fame over humanity. Not every German who voted for Hitler considered themselves racist or xenophobic. I’m sure they were just "trying to better their economy" too. You view our reaction to Trump's speech as a feeling. To you, it's a feeling. Maybe it made you FEEL uncomfortable. To minorities-it was life-threatening. You get to choose whether you are affected by his words. We don't. You may not be racist, you may not hate me. But you made it very clear that you don't give a damn about me.
2. The Hotep
I don’t let people talk down to me. *shakes them haters off* I just don’t allow it. And for some reason, that REALLY bugs hoteps. (if you’re wondering what a Hotep is-click here). I shared my opinion on non-voters on election day. My educated opinion. And a Hotep had the nerve to call me uneducated. *laughs like Beyonce did when Keri Hilson tried to come for her* You can call me a lot of things. Trust me, I’ve heard it all. However, I will never let you call me uneducated. Because it’s false. Like that’s not an insult that can be based on opinion. If you’re going to come for me, come correct.
Hoteps were extremely vocal during this election----because they felt it was a chance to belittle women of color. I mean everyone else was doing it-why not? The thought of black men belittling black women to feel some kind of power disgust me. We are all fighting for our voices to be heard. You attempting to break me, is not going to help you win. So stop trying to control and “lead me”. Listen to me. You may find truth in the words that I’m speaking if you set your misogynistic pride aside. They cannot control me. You cannot control. I am not yours to control.
3. The White Feminist
There are tons of articles on why White Feminism isn’t true feminism. So I’m not going to spend much time explaining that. Here's a cool video on it!
On election day, tons of women plastered their “I Voted” stickers on the grave of Susan B. Anthony. And I think that’s sweet. I believe that she was a trailblazer in her own light and way. But if you scream for Susan B. Anthony, and forget to acknowledge Sojourner Truth, then we may not believe in the same inclusive feminism. But if you want to learn about Sojourner Truth and other dope women of color who led the movement, then check this out!
Taylor Swift always has a ton to say about feminism. And that’s great. We need more people to speak on it openly. However, she was silent during this election. She felt the need to call Kanye out for a song lyric---but didn’t feel it necessary to let her fans know that guys couldn’t “grab you by the pussy.” There’s something that doesn’t sit well with me about that. The stats show that a majority of white women voted for Trump. And my question is: Why? Why was that ok? And again, not trying to be mean. I'm literally asking you: WHY? Do you not believe in your own rights? Or do you think that since YOU will be ok---it doesn't really matter? Feminism is a trendy buzzword, but sexism is welcome as long as it doesn't affect YOU---right?
A few Trump supporters have said, "I voted for the people that will surround Trump, not Trump." And to that I say:
1. No, Trump's name was on the ballot. You voted for Trump. Accept the blood on your hands.
2. It's only been a few days, but let's take a look at those people that will "surround" him:
A. There's Mike Pence. He's so well spoken, right? He can't be that bad. Wrong! While he was governor of Indiana he was in favor of sending money allocated to care for people with HIV/AIDS to organizations that provide conversion therapy.
B. Rudi Giuliani. Now, my heart hurts when I talk about him. Stop and Frisk was ruled unconstitutional for a reason. Racial profiling shouldn't be applauded.
C.Stephen Bannon. *face palms into a sigh* Stephen Bannon. I'm just going to ask you to dig deep into Bannon's past.
Are you ok with any of the above leading your country? Do you feel safe?
4. The Deplorable
deserving strong condemnation."the deplorable conditions in which most prisoners are held
I had to constantly look this definition up during this election, because I never understood the ruckus around it. If the word deplorable offends you so much, then you probably are deplorable. *Kanye Shrugs* The language that was used during this election was ridiculous---lol but the anger over the word deplorable is a joke. You’re angry at being referred to as “bad”. I’m going to provide you with a list of things that are far more deplorable than being called deplorable:
i.Making fun of the handicapped
ii.Making fun of prisoners of war
iii.Being racist. Af.
v.Being endorsed by the KKK
Why are you allowed to hold on to that word--but ignore the others? The other words with actual meaning. The other words driven by hate. I don't understand.
5. The Protest Voter
You have the right to vote 3rd party. I get that. But don’t rant to me about how the third party vote was a vote for your conscious. Because you and I both know that Gary Johnson wasn't smart enough to run this country. His own running-mate admitted that he wasn’t the most qualified candidate. And while we’re on the subject of your conscious, let’s talk about that conscious of yours. You knew that your candidate wasn’t going to win. But you wanted to drive more attention to the third party, and I get that too. The two-party system isn't working for us. But you knew that your vote for a third party would ultimately help to elect a candidate that ran a campaign of hate and division. Was that worth it? Is your conscious happy? I’m not accusing you of anything-I’m asking. I want to know if you got the outcome you were hoping for. Was your “protest vote” worth it? Do you hate the establishment more than you hate racism, sexism, and xenophobia? Let me know.
6. The Non-Voter
Earlier this week, I posted this on Facebook:
“When did it become cool to not vote? You're not woke, you're probably a Hotep. Just like the guys who tried to push Birth of Nation, but refused to see Moonlight. What are you really promoting? What are you really saying? Does it make sense? If you don't vote I think you're entitled. And Ignorant. And lazy. And full of it. I think you're someone who is going to complain for the next few years-but you will never do anything to change/prevent the problem. And before y'all takeover my post-check my resume. I don't need your hotep-ish rants. And I get it, people aren't thrilled at the choices. One of those choices should literally be considered a joke-but i'm not even here to tell you who to vote for. It's not that kind of post. But you still have a duty. So stop throwing a tantrum. You are not a toddler. Grow up. Yes-you have the right not to vote. And If you're not voting-fine. (you probably aren't registered so my argument won't help). But don't lecture others about following your path. There are other things on that ballot. Unless you can explain why you don't approve of ANYTHING on that ballot-you're wrong.I would blame the education system on this-but I went to high school with most of you. So the ignorance is on you. I blame you.”
I still feel the same way. It is your right not to vote. I believe in your rights, even though your choice to use that right may have cost me mine. However, If you did not vote-I will never take your opinion seriously. Because you’re all talk. And that sickens me. People who choose to complain, but not act disgust me. And that’s with everything in life-not just politics. Don’t spend the rest of your life complaining. Being stagnant shouldn’t be your choice. You’re worth so much more than that. Your refusal to vote wasn’t a protest. Because you made a choice. You made a choice that we’re all trying to deal with now. There is blood on your hands.
7. The Evangelical
I've lost respect for every TV preacher that supported Trump. *Kanye shrugs* And I don’t want to get into a debate over religion. Because I ACTUALLY believe in the division between Church and State. However, if you use your religion as an excuse to harm, belittle, disown, divide, and hate others-then I don’t believe it is the word of God. Because God is love. And that campaign was all hate.
8. The True Trump Supporter
This Is the kind of supporter that scares me. You wanted to hear what Trump was saying. You actually believe in the stereotypes that he roared. You want this country back. You want everyone who is not like you to leave. You believe that your downfalls are caused by another individual's win. You feel that your pain isn’t shared. You feel like this country belongs to you, and everyone else is just a visitor. And you are what’s wrong with the world today. To you-I can only speak words of love. Because you are filled with so much hate. I hope that you one day realize that your hate will not help you win. Your hate will not change your life for the better. Your hate will not make America great again.
1. Excuses Are A Waste Of Time.
Excuses scare me. *drops mic and runs away. * Excuses are literally you just selling yourself short. I couldn’t do this because *insert bullshit here*. I couldn’t make it because *insert disappointment here*. I wish I could’ve made it but *insert blah blah mother-freakin blah here*. If you aren’t going to do something, then don’t do it. Don’t waste someone’s time with could’ve-should’ve-would’ve because you DIDN’T. You're young, but you aren't dumb. So either commit to the task-or grow up say NO! It's ok to say no. Own that ish. *snaps in Z formation*
2. You Are Not For Everyone.
You either love me-or you hate me. There’s no in between. *Kanye shrugs* I wish I would’ve found peace with that statement earlier in life. I used to try to make people who disliked me understand me. I thought if they knew me, the real me, that they would get it. But that’s not my job. My job isn’t to convince others to understand me. My job is to constantly be true to myself, and if that’s not enough for you then that’s your problem.
3. Perception Isn’t Reality.
The way things appear-and the truth behind the image tell two different stories. When I was younger, I thought the grass would be greener if I could just get to the other side. When the reality is- that we’re all going through it. Every single one of us has a story. A story that either drives us or drowns us. And that choice is yours. So I stopped searching for this fantasy, and took a deeper look at my reality. I hope that your perception and reality line up . I hope that you constantly see yourself in the pure light that we see you. I hope that we can all learn to be the light-because life is hard af. And we’re all just trying to make it.
4. Love is Fickle, But Worth It.
I have a friend who thinks that a guy I was with during undergrad was my first love. That friend is wrong. So very wrong. It took me years to figure out what true love is. And I know for a fact that whatever I was feeling during that point in time wasn’t love. It couldn’t have been love. You see, I refuse to accept anything that isn’t pure and honest as love. I veto the idea or the theory that people who love you must constantly hurt you to prove it. Love doesn’t have to be like a movie. It’s not meant to be dramatic. It can be at times, but it doesn’t HAVE to be. But to be honest, I don’t give a damn about your first love. I want to know about the moment you chose to love yourself. That’s important. When did you decide to put yourself first? When did you discover that your voice matters? When did you become your biggest fan? Love is pure. It’s kind. And it’s easy. So make loving yourself as easy as the movies make loving someone else seem.
5. Never Dim Your Light To Make Others Comfortable.
It makes some people extremely uncomfortable to witness you loving yourself. And that’s sad. But that’s not your problem. It’s ok to celebrate yourself, you’re allowed to do that. And if anyone EVER criticizes you for it-please know that their issue is with themselves. People who don’t love themselves have a hard time watching others love themselves freely. I’m not saying that I’m perfect. I’m saying that I love myself anyways. So don’t fret. Don’t change. Don’t dim your light. Shine baby, you’re a star.