This is the one time of year that this person gets to prove to you that they, and they alone, could beat Bobby Flay in a showdown. No seriously, they started prepping for Thanksgiving in mid-July. The Iron Chef lifted weights, so that they would be able to lift the heaviest of turkeys. They studied historical archives, so they would be able to recreate authentic Thanksgiving meals that the pilgrims and natives would be proud of. They’ve practiced making meals using margarine instead of butter that would make Paula Deen’s racist soul question her recipes. (yea I said it *snaps in Z formation*…she may have a good public relations team, but the lady is still racist.) My mother preps for Thanksgiving days in advance. Every thing is chopped, pre-seasoned, and marinating before the day even arrives. Yet, she is still up at 3am the day of whipping it up in the kitchen. We all know and love the Iron Chef; make sure you thank them for their hard work this Thanksgiving.
I hate parades.*Kanye shrugs* Like I real life despise them. Lol and it makes my family really upset that I won’t watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. They believe I’m missing out on a Thanksgiving tradition. But when did the Macy’s day parade become a vital part of what Thanksgiving was meant to be about. I mean were the pilgrims marching around in celebration of their soon to be genocide? Oh wait…too soon? Lol I’ll calm down. *gets back on subject*We all know, and low-key love the traditions lover. They make the holiday a little more fun! So whether they're breaking the wishbone for good luck, or insisting that you go around the table and say what you’re thankful for…just do it. The Traditions Lover is a good spirit, take in the spirit of the holiday.
You know that aunt that is constantly asking you questions? Like they ask you questions that are genuinely none of their business. “How are your grades? What are you future plans? Seeing anyone? Why aren’t you studying nursing?” #stahhhpthat Lol stop interviewing me! We literally only see the interviewer on Thanksgiving, so you shouldn’t have to answer their questions. Last Thanksgiving, I had an aunt ask me 20 questions. From those questions, she realized that I was probably going to move far away from my hometown…and unmarried at that! #meohmy So she advised me to stay close to my family, so that future men who would want to marry me wouldn’t think I was “fast”. Yes…this conversation really happened. Well…it’s 6 months later, I’ve moved across the country alone, and I see world domination in my near future. *twirls* So don’t get annoyed by the Interviewer this Thanksgiving! #shakethemhatersoff
I have a serious question. Does turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce look better with the Sierra or Valencia filter? *face palms* The Instagram Foodie is probably the most annoying person you have to deal with on Thanksgiving! They take tons of pictures of the meal they’re eating and post them on social media sites…but they didn’t cook ANY of it! *snaps in Z formation* Just because you added a flash to your meal doesn’t mean that we cannot see through your lies! #stopmealphotos2015 The Instagram Foodie also uses this as an opportunity to post a well lit selfie with their “family” and add in hashtags that make them seem less shallow. #familymatters #ilovemifamilia #fam4life
The Critic is your new sister-in-law that you secretly hate. Like you want them to be a part of them family…but they just aren’t. #sorrynotsorry #shedoesntevengohere They don’t fit in for many reasons. One of those reasons being that they judge everything, and feel the need to share their opinion that no one asked for. For example, they may comment on your turkey being dry, and offer their mother’s secret recipe. Like girl, did anyone ask for your mother’s recipe? The Critic uses Thanksgiving as an opportunity to pick at every little detail, and that is NOT what Thanksgiving is about!
Every Thanksgiving one of your “aunts or uncles” comes by and insist that you talk to their son. “He’s going to be a doctor and an Engineer. He will graduate from Harvard with 4 degrees. He can balance 6 glass plates on his nose while riding a tricycle and reciting Shakespreare.” #theliesyoutell Am I the only one that questions the math on that? Like if you’re my Aunt and he’s your son wouldn’t that mean that I was related to him? #stopincest2015 PSA: Just because I come home for the holidays does not mean I’m looking for a man. I repeat, I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A MAN. I can tell my family that I have a boyfriend all I want, and it won’t matter. Until they see a bride’s fee I am on the market to them…and that has to stop. Good luck avoiding the matchmaker this Thanksgiving.
We all have that one uncle who loves conspiracy theories, and takes this family gathering as an opportunity to warn everyone about the government. *face palms* So be prepared to hear The Great Debater’s take on ISIS, Syrian Refugees, and the upcoming presidential race.
So I’m not going to pretend like I completely support Thanksgiving. I think it’s a holiday that was created to sugar coat what pilgrims actually did to Native Americans, but I’m going to save that rant for another day. The Activist is that cousin that you have that hands out pamphlets for change at the dinner table. They bring up real, and sometimes very relevant, topics, but your family just doesn’t want that to ruin the holiday spirit so you ignore it. They could be a little weird at times! Like you’ll ask them to pass the stuffing and they’ll twitch as they go on a rant about y’all should stop passing up opportunities to change the world. Be kind to the Activist they meal well.
My name is Amira, and I am a Thanksgiving Freeloader. #noregregrets I hide out for most of the day so that I won’t be asked to help out in the kitchen. Lol I know that sounds bad, but this is my vacation. I don’t want to spend it whipping up things I don’t even eat! So I hide in my room and binge on Netflix until I hear the oven bell ding, I then sneak out and fix the napkins, and act like I was a vital part of the whole process. *kanyeshrugs* Happy Thanksgiving Y’all!